So you've decided to graduate from the little chihuahua to a bit larger breed, huh? Well you should prepare yourself for a change in lifestyle. I tell most people it's like being married, and then having children. Married is one thing, but children tend to make things a lot more interesting. Here are some things to consider:
You get upset when you find one of your wife's hairs in your dinner, but routinely remove fawn, apricot, and brindle hairs without comment.
You know what a golden slumber (eye goober) tastes like.
Your beautiful hardwood floor is covered with multicolored "Kmart special" runner rugs.
Every room in your house is adorned with a disgusting-looking towel.
You buy an over-priced SUV "for the kids."
You are not afraid to wrestle the black bear at the County Fair because you have trimmed toenails and bathed a greater beast.
You pay more for a dog sitter than your siblings pay for baby sitters.
You go through forty pounds of "Solid Gold Hundenflocken" every week and drive twenty-three miles, one-way, to get it.
You regard all the spots and specs on your walls as Art Deco.
You take off your shoes and put on slippers with a rubber sole, or suffer soggy socks.
You carry pictures of your Mastiffs in your wallet, but no pictures of your kids.
People recognize your Mastiffs at Petsmart and know their names, but not yours!
Your son asks, "What's for dinner?" and you answer,"Frozen pizza," while adding fresh, organic fruit, veggies, and yogurt to your Mastiff's kibble.
You have to sit on the floor to watch TV because the sofa and loveseat are both full of Mastiffs.
You spend more time cooking for the Mastiffs than you do for your family.
You tell visitors that the slobber now all over their clothes is your Mastiff's way of saying "I like you!"
The mere sight of a Mastiff makes your heart beat faster than the sight of Mel Gibson.
You stay up until three in the morning reading all the posts on the Mastiff message board. (You don't want to miss a thing.)
You buy all your clothes to blend with dog hair.
You buy new towels for bathing your Mastiffs; meanwhile, the ones your family uses have holes.
You wake up in the morning with a backache from your old mattress, but the dog slept comfortably on his new one.
Your Mastiff shares your twin bed with you.
You no longer notice Mastiff slobber, no matter where it appears. It is a fact of life.
You shop for a new home the Mastiff would like better.
You show your clients pictures of your Mastiff but never have a picture of your spouse.
You spend more on dog food than you do on groceries.
You rush to the one-hour photo to develop several rolls of film that are pictures only of your Mastiff.
You expect everyone to put your Mastiff on their Christmas list since there are no grandchildren in the family.
You sign your Mastiff's name to any greeting cards you send.
You can't sleep without the beautiful music of the mastiff SNORE.
You have a house full of company, and the best laugh of the day is EWWWWWWW YUK! Ivan farted again!
You entertain your friends by making them look through your dog's photo album.
You bring new acquaintances home to meet the dog.
You go to a stranger's house, knock on their door and say, "Can I please meet your Mastiff?"
You and your spouse fight over who gets to take the dog with them.
You take your Mastiff to the vet for a hangnail, but you don't go to your own doctor when you know you should.
You remember the name of every Mastiff you've met, but sometimes can't remember your daughter's name.
You laugh about the slinger that landed in your mouth when your Mastiff shook her head.
Your nephews ask how their "cousin" is doing.
You design your new dream house with specialized indoor/outdoor living quarters for your Mastiff.
You haven't seen your sister in years, and spend the entire visit with her talking about how much you miss your Mastiff for the one day you are away from him. You don't even mention your husband.
You adopt a patronizing tone when you meet other people's dogs: "Ohhhh, he's soooo small!!"
You refer to your vet as "Uncle" or "Aunt," as in: "Come on, Ivan, we're going to see Uncle Michael now!"
Your love life shrivels up and dies because the sight of a Mastiff scares the wigguns out of every man/woman you know.
Your friends tell you you'll never get married until the dog dies, because your emotional needs are obviously already being met.
Your screen saver is a picture of a Mastiff.
You have Mastiff calendar hanging over your desk at work.
Your friends always greet you with "How are the dogs?"
Your friends know better than to ask you to leave your Mastiff home when they invite you to their country place for the weekend.
You remove the back seat of your truck so the dogs will have more room.
You save milk jugs, soda bottles, and cardboard boxes just so your Mastiff has something to amuse himself with for about five minutes.
You realize your brand new deck is a teething toy--and you don't mind.
You insure your new furniture and know you'll soon be collecting on the policy.
You don't go to family reunions because the Mastiffs are not welcome.
You want another one and you already have two.
You tell people who are turning green at the sight of drool that it makes great hair gel.
Your Mastiff sits on your head every night at three a.m. to let you know that he needs to go out. Of course, you go with him to keep him safe.
You drive for 500 horrible miles with a Mastiff puppy on your lap, worrying the entire trip about how happy he'll be in his new home. But when your daughter leaves for sleepaway camp, you know she'll be "just fine, children adapt so well to new situations...."
You trust fewer people to babysit your Mastiff than your kid.
You give up working out at the gym so that you can walk your Mastiff more often.
You don't go on vacation unless your Mastiff is welcome at the hotel.
You judge people according to your Mastiff's reaction to them.
You grunt irritably when your family tries to say good morning to you before you've had your coffee; but the minute you see your Mastiff, you grin ear-to-ear and shriek, "GOOD MORNING BABY GIRL!!!" in a squeaky, giddy voice.
You drop your sweet angel off at the vet's for testing, but won't go home because the house would feel "too empty." Instead you drop by a friend's house and call the vet every few minutes just to check on things. Your friend decides you are nuts.
You feel worse about your vet retiring than you do your gynecologist.
You put your Mastiff down as your beneficiary on your life insurance policy because no one else in the family deserves it.
You go into debt for a larger travel trailer, because "the baby" needs more room.
You won't buy a new truck unless it comes with a "Hi-Top" topper,because the crate must fit inside.
You buy special cuts of beef for "your baby", but serve the rest of the family tuna casserole.
You refuse to kick the mastiffs off the bed no matter how much your spouse complains or how tight of a ball you have to curl up into.
You have carpet installed in your new home instead of your life long dream of hardwood floors so your Mastiff won't slip and hurt himself. Of course, that is after you bring color swatches home to make sure your little darl'in will look good laying on it.
SO ARE YOU UP FOR THE CHALLENGE?!